I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
