I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
