I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
