i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
