dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
