you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
