This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
