My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
