high people should be assigned attendants
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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