your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
