Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You ruined the universe
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