they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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