do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
