i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
