2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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