Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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