Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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