I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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