What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
