Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
