Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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