i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
