haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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