I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My vagina is officially offended.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
