Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
