If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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