make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
