i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
