i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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