I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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