i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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