my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
