I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize