I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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