Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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