If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
