NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
