You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
