I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
how does that bad decision feel?
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