Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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