Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize