I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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