It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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