Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
