I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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