I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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