I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
