When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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