I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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