walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
