I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
