just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
