why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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