oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
