I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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