i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
