I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
