dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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