I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize