It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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