There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
