I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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