I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
